I've never worn a bikini...

In fact, I haven't worn a swimsuit of any kind since I was *thinks* twelve. Maybe thirteen. There were two main reasons for this: firstly, my crippling self-consciousness and secondly, my parents insisted that I COVER. UP. Not because they were worried about skin cancer or other forms of sun damage; it was all a matter of modesty. They were hardcore. I used to have to wear baggy t-shirts and vests OVER them because I had DDs by the time I started high school and breasts are shameful, don'tcha know? MOULDED BY THE VERY HANDS OF SATAN HIMSELF. Even now my mum looks at me in disgust and shakes her head like it's my fault I have G-cup monstrosities on my chest that have given me unsightly strech marks and back pains so severe, sometimes I can't sleep at night. I HAVE GROWN THESE BOULDERS JUST TO SPITE YOU MOTHER! HA HA HA! (I realise this whole paragraph makes me sound super deranged and affected but I am used to the looks and all that so most of this is just in jest) Anyway, I can't even swim really, so what's the point of putting on a swimsuit to DROWN in? There you go, fun fact about me: I cannot swim very well. DESPITE MY VERY OWN FLOTATION DEVICES! TROLOLOLOLOLOLOOO! I don't enjoy my breasts. Just sayin'. Also, while I'm just sayin', even though I can't swim too well, I LOVE the beach and I have a very weak spot for the ocean. That point of note is kind of relevant to the next part of the post.

I grew naturally what Heidi Montag/Pratt/Whatever more or less sold her soul for.

The reason I bring up bikinis is because today at work, a tall and considerably handsome man in a lifeguard's uniform swaggered up to the counter and made eyes at me as my mother watched on. My mum came in and we were having a merry time chatting about nothing because no one was coming in at all and I was super bored. It's winter; who the fuck wants to buy sunnies in this kind of weather? Anyway, this guy comes up to me and this is the conversation that followed:
Me: Hey there, can I help you?
Him: Probably *flashes obviously-fixed-by-braces teeth*
Me: ... yes?
Him: Have you seen a show called Bondi Rescue?
Me: No, I haven't. (I have. Once.)
Him: Really? Don't you watch TV?
Me: No, I don't *sadly shaking my head* (I do. Sometimes. I mostly watch Neighbours and I Dream of Jeannie. Rest of my shows I watch on the interwebs like everyone else!)
Him: Well, it's a great show and we're looking for people to be in it *leans onto counter* wanna be on our show? 
At this point my mind does that J.D.-esque internal monologue slash crazy vision thing and I see myself in a red polka dotted two-piece, flailing about like an idiot in the sand, doing bizarrely vulgar poses. I have no idea why.
Me: No, thank you.
Him: *looks at me like I am crazy* Aw, why?
Me: I'm not a beach-y person. (OH BUT I AM! Remember what I said before about loving the beach and the ocean?!! OMG!)

Lifeguards: Type A

Lifeguards: Type B

I feel bad for disappointing the pretty man who thought he could charm me into buying raffle tickets. Apparently he was selling raffle tickets but I never got offered any. I think it may have had something to do with me saying NO to pretty much everything he said or asked. But then it got me thinking, there are often good looking guys promoting something or asking for money for one thing or the other and I feel like with girls like me (and by "me" I mean someone brown who isn't as awesome or pretty as Mindy Kaling Dx) and average people (average people are better than me, you guise, and extraordinary people will be the death of me), they lay it on thickkkkkk. It's like they're oozing "oooooh baby" from their very pores! It's gross and kind of insulting because it's almost like they think not only can they manipulate our sexual urges for their own purposes but are in fact doing us a favour by letting us think that we have a chance with them. When they approach "hot girls" though, the flirting is a lot less condescending. Even the trace of superiority in their smile is gone. Man, those I-know-I'm-out-of-your-league smiles. What is with those? They sometimes hurt my feelings but I am mostly used to them. I observe these things and then I annoy myself that I paid attention in the first place.

There was a two hour pause after the last paragraph where I sang many a Linkin Park song with my brother. Songs mostly from Hybrid Theory. I don't really listen to them any more but from the age of thirteen to about seventeen I was a girl obsessed. Linkin Park was my life, my love, my soul, my everything.

Heroes

I can't even begin to say how much I loved and adored them. Each album gained or purchased was a truly precious object. The first listen of an album was done in reverential silence and existed as a solitary experience. And yes, I'd cry doing it. Shuddup :/ I had mad love fo' shawty, on the real. I watched their DVDs over and over again, beyond obsessively. I dreamt of marrying Mike Shinoda. Once on the radio I won tickets to see them at the Livid Festival and my dad wouldn't let me go. I cried for a month and couldn't eat or sleep for ages after that. Around that time, one morning, I woke up with the biggest grin on my face because I'd had a dream that I was backstage at a LP concert and I was watching Chester sing the bridge of Papercut (2:09 on the video). I can still remember it. I could see the back of him, sweat pouring from his skinny little frame and a massive spotlight right on him as if he was singing right to god, if there was one. I woke up, so happy and exhilarated but then I realised it was a dream and that was THAT. Sadness.

 

I loved Hybrid Theory, Reanimation and Meteora but then they did that Collision Course thing with Jay-Z and it all just went downhill from there (they made songs to serenade The Baynis. COME ON!) and I stopped listening and grew the fuck up. It was sad to leave my youth behind but it's kind of amazing how not listening to LP was an instant lesson in maturity. Because at the end of the day they were whiny, complain-y suburban boys with no real background in hard-knockage (except for Chester). Most of them are musically pretty talented but I think they are kind of stuck in a weird tacky bubble of adolescence. I dunno.

Sell outs

Wow, this randomly turned into a post about Linkin Park. Totes unintentional. I'd just like to say that while my taste in music has improved drastically, I sometimes listen to them. I think they probably classify as a guilty pleasure but I think we can all agree that nostalgia is sometimes the safest place to hide and the best kind of comfort. Sometimes :)

Hopefully next time I will write about things more interesting than terrible music from the 00s and my tits. BYE!